Chapter 8: Crushing Shame and Unfathomable Glory

“Hairy” proved to be quite possibly the least ambitious of all within the direct Beck line. He was a dull, sullen child with no aspirations and little grasp of what the world actually had to offer. In 1976 he dropped out of West Allis Central High School; Casper responded by revealing the great family photocomic legacy and the rich heritage waiting for “Hairy”. In Casper’s eyes, it was his son’s duty to boldly lead Undertoad into a new era as every young Beck had done since the 1850s. Little happened.

Finally, after three years of non-stop nagging, browbeating, and threats to kick him out of the house, “Hairy” made his half-hearted foray into the comic world. Directly copying the premise of Fotonovel Publications, he decided to turn popular movies into a series of comic novels illustrated with stills from the movie itself. With very little money to his name and in spite of Undertoad’s once good name, “Hairy” found himself unable to land licenses to any popular movies. Instead he landed bottom of the barrel fair such as The Incredible Melting Man, Angel’s Brigade, Abe Lincoln: Freedom Fighter, and Laserblast. All of the books were horribly put together and sold abysmally. The enterprise would have folded within months if not for one thing: “Hairy” decided to release an unlicensed bootleg comic of 1978’s Jaws II. Because of this bold move, attorneys shut down the new Undertoad in weeks instead.

Returning to a life of lounging and slacking in his parent’s house, “Hairy” managed to meet, woo, and marry a spectacularly lackluster nightclub singer by the name Nanette Cheneterio, or “Sweet Nan C.” as she was called on the stage. Having wed in 1980, the couple moved into Casper and Mable’s basement, taking on the weighty task of doing absolutely nothing but watching TV. In 1982 the couple had their first and only child, a son they named Charles Beck in honor of that old scoundrel, Charles “Buck” Nautilus, young Charlie’s long-deceased great great uncle.

Charlie was a precocious child, interested in everything and quick to learn- a difficult prospect in a household that contained six times as many TVs as residents. By the age of five he had read every book in the house (a library of eleven volumes) and by the age of eight he had read the household’s entire 24-year run of TV Guides and consequently vowed to never watch television again. From here he went on to the school library and dedicated himself to reading every book in alphabetic order by title.

In spite of his voracious appetite for literature, Charlie proved to be a poor student, always sneaking books into class and not paying attention to teachers. However, his fortunes changed in 5th grade when his alphabetical pursuits led him to How To Manipulate People and Get Whatever You Want Without Even Feeling Bad About It by a young author named Sullivan Exonia. Using the tricks taught in the volume, Charlie was soon able to convince his teachers that he either didn’t need to do the work or that someone else should do it for him. Upon finishing his reading project at the beginning of his sophomore year of high school, Charlie convinced his parents, his grandparents, and his school that he should just graduate. Having read everything in the library, he took the next two years off and dedicated himself to watching every movie at the local movie rental store. Naturally, he convinced the owner that he only needed to pay for one rental per year.

At the end of his second great quest, Charlie found himself confused as to how to proceed. His entire life had been based on consumption and acquisition; now that he had consumed all of which he could get a hold for free, he did not know how to proceed. His parents and grandparents were naturally of no help, having largely forgotten about Charlie by the time he was three. Like many a confused young man, Charlie found what he believed was an ideal solution: he enrolled at the University of Wisconsin: Milwaukee and moved out of his parent’s (and grandparent’s) home.

The first semester of his freshman year proved to be the most important few months of Charlie’s young life thus far. His randomly assigned roommate, Count Warren Iles, was a suave young man of the world (and the actual Count of the Isle of Klapstuck, a small island in North Holland of the Netherlands). Warren was wont to go on ridiculous tangents in which he claimed to have invented the terms “Flying Dutchman” and “Dutch Oven” and as well adamantly proclaiming himself to be a direct descendant of the original little boy who stuck his finger in the dike.

The two became fast friends, getting into the habit of having contests to see who could go the longest without leaving their dorm room at all for any reason (bathroom needs included). Their friendship grew further when in a bizarre coincidence they discovered that they were actually related. Charlie’s great grandmother, the mysterious Greta Iles, was the younger sister of Warren’s 86-year-old father, Humboldt Iles. Thus, due to Charlie’s silver tongue and in spite of a combined total of 3 ½ classes attended by November, Charlie and Warren were both on track to have 4.0 grade point averages for the semester (Charlie was particularly proud of the “diplomatic immunity” he claimed for his friend, the Count).

It was then that disaster struck for Charlie’s family. Due to a damaged gas pipe at the family home, his parents and grandparents all died of asphyxiation during a rerun episode of Three’s Company. Having to deal with the deaths of his entire family should have been a terrible blow for the young college student but instead he made a startling discovery- he had so dulled his emotions with books and movies that he found himself incapable of feeling any real sadness or grief. He just made sure they were all buried and went about emptying out the house.

It was while cleaning the kitchen in late 2002 that he discovered a secret passage under the sink that led into a tiny hidden room. The room was crammed floor to ceiling with copies of every single Undertoad/Transparent Life comic ever made. He learned that every young person going back to his great great great grandfather had at some point made these comics. Not to be left out, Charlie became determined to jumpstart the family business once more, and furthermore, he was going to do it right.

Thus, Charlie went to visit someone very special of whom he had only ever heard: his still-living 105-year-old great great aunt Clara Nautilus. Clara was still in the Quinn Sanitarium in Watertown, WI due to a substantial donation she had given in 1953 under the condition that she never be kicked out. The director at the time, Henry Hank-Henry was only too happy to oblige; little did he suspect that Clara would outlive the entire staff and still be kicking around over fifty years later. Clara was quite pleased to meet her young great great nephew. Visitors were rare; in fact, it is likely no one had to come to see her since “Hairy” and Nan had solicited a wedding gift in 1980.

Clara Nautilus full of life at age 104

In spite of her age, Clara was still as sharp as a tack and had not been idle in her declining years. She had written over 17,000 Undertoad adventures that she kept crammed under the floorboards in her tiny room. Upon learning that Charlie planned to restart the company, she gave him every single story under the instruction that she not be named as the writer. Charlie was happy to acquiesce and started the monumental task of taking photos for many of them, starting with such famous stories as Circles, Nice Skirt, and Good Night, Holly, which starred Holly Bell look-alike, Heather Huffman.

In the meantime, Count Warren had been busy preparing Undertoad to be a great company once more. He invested time, capital, and his impressive network of important people the world over and prepared to launch the greatest run of photocomics the world had yet seen. Upon Transparent Life’s launch in early 2004, the comic quickly became one of the most widely published periodicals in the world. In addition, the accompanying website, www.UndertoadComics.com, wasted no time in racking up hundreds of thousands of hits within a few days of its opening.

Within weeks the young company grew to a bustling enterprise with thousands of workers across the globe. To many, it seems almost impossible that there was ever a time when Undertoad was not media-giant and household name that it is today. It is a testament to the undiluted quality of the material and drive of its owners and operators: Charles Beck and Count Warren Iles. These young men are clearly the peak of human ambition, not to mention outrageously talented and startlingly good-looking to boot.

Clearly, they are the ideal heroes for any and all smart youngsters the world over.